A better way....

For some time now I've been contemplating my life, what I do for work, what I do at home, my quality time with my family and I've decided I'm not sure it's enough. What I do I mean.... I know that I don't like my job, I think I have a higher meaning of life, well I think I want more, I think I was meant to do more, to change people's lives and help people that I don't necessarily know. As for my quality time with family, I think I need to make more of it or use it wiser, either way I think I need to change it.

The reason I've been thinking down this path is that after making my 100 reasons why I need to lose weight list, I have realized that I do many more things around my weight than I originally thought. I thought that my weight only decided what I wear, what size clothes I bought, etc. In reality, it is the deciding factor in everything I do in my life.

This is how... My weight decides:

1. Where I go... I often change what I want to do because I'm afraid who I will see and how they will percieve me.

2. Who I talk to... I'm afraid that they will judge my looks instead of me, I think of myself as the "fat" friend

3. What I do with my kids... I first of all don't want to embarrass myself, I refrain from physical activity with my kids in fear that I will split my pants or fall or something worse.... I also fear that I will embarrass them, kids are much more blunt/truthful than adults

4. What jobs I look for... I figure if I can sit behind a desk all day I'm safe, nobody will notice what's below my waist... the big butt for instance

5. What I wear... I wear lots of black, slimming.. maybe... I don't like to show much leg, so no shorts, no skirts above the knee.. etc...

6. What I drive... I figure if I drive something big it makes me look smaller...

7. Who I make friends with... I think that if I make friends with skinny girls they will betray me and talk behind my back that I'm fat.

8. Who I make eye contact with... I think that if I'm noticed then they are only pointing out my flaws, picking me apart...

9. Where I eat... I would more often pick up takeout and eat at home than eat at the restaurant. I don't want people looking at me knowing why I'm fat, because I eat out...

10. Why I'm not happy... I criticize myself 100 more times than I should and I let it stress me out, I'm not as happy as I could be by any means and I hope for this all to change.

So why the deep thoughts? Not having my kids around really got me thinking, it's alot of quiet time lately and I just think and I realize alot of things that I need to change. These being the top ten I thought I would share with you, believe it or not there are more... nothing that I'm proud of but it's the truth.

So today I am vowing to myself (and to the entire blog world) that I'm going to make a change... A change to be better, to lose weight, to listen more, to enjoy life, to sit and relax, to be a friend, to be a great mother, a great wife and to get closer to God. So where do you start when you're trying to become a better person?

I'm starting with this.....

Something that I hope will help me renew myself, my energy and put me on the kickstart to a healthier, happier, thinner life.. :) Call me crazy but I am focused now, I was looking for this motivational light to blind me but it was me all along just trying to tell myself to get up and change... So to share with the world, I have a goal... to lose 43 pounds, I'm not putting a time frame on it, just a goal. 5 pounds at a time to a healthier me. Feasible, yes.. I've done it before.. So get ready! :)